Last week, I read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. There are so many things that I learned from this amusing and touching book. One particular excerpt was written while Gilbert was staying in an Ashram in India.
“I remember kneeling down one morning, touching my forehead to the floor and muttering to my creator, ‘Oh, I dunno what I need… but you must have some ideas… so just do something about it, would you?’
Similar to the way I have oftentimes spoken to my hairdresser….
Of course God already knows what I need. The question is - do I know?… There’s a wonderful old Italian joke about a poor man who goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint, begging, ‘Dear saint-please, please please… give me the grace to win the lottery.’ This lament goes on for months. Finally the exasperated statue comes to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust, ‘My son-please, please, please… buy a ticket.’
Prayer is a relationship; half of the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can’t even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I’m aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention…. What worked yesterday doesn’t always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate.”
I find that, as of late, I have not really been wanting anything. Something happened when I decided to come to peace with living in Seattle and my ambition. I had predetermined that I could not find enough work here in photography or pilates. I condemned my financial life to struggle and ruin. This JUST hit me the other day. I have quit asking for things! My prayers of envisioning more and more clients, seeing my bank account increase, having more than enough money to pay for a mortgage - they all stopped simultaneously. And what’s worse, I’m not sure why!!! So I think I went too extreme in my quest for peace. Seems crazy, right? But my clear and precise desire for peace left me void of ambition. But it didn’t need to - I just allowed it to happen.
Now I’m looking for the balance. The balance of being content with what I have and who I am, and also desiring and wanting more for me and my life. It’s turning to be quite a juggling act. I had forgotten that prayer is a relationship and that I’m responsible for my half. I love the analogy about the poor man begging to win the
lottery without ever buying a ticket. I am in control of my half - I can buy the lottery tickets!!! And wanting and asking for things in my life, whether it be in career, finances, or emotional doesn’t mean that I can’t be peaceful with where I am now. Abraham talks about putting your boat in the stream of life right where you are. Don’t dwell on the past, don’t try to relive it or fix what has already happened, but start from right where you are. How quickly I forgot that!
